Why Do People Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships?

If you’ve ever had a friend — or let’s be real, maybe you — who swore they were done with toxic partners, only to end up right back in the same dysfunctional mess, you’re not alone. It’s like watching someone binge a show they hate, episode after episode, complaining the whole time. So why do people keep falling for toxic relationships, even when they know better? Buckle up, because we’re about to dive into the weird, messy psychology behind this all-too-common phenomenon.

The Brain’s Addiction to Toxic Love

Let’s start with the science-y bit (don’t worry, we’ll keep it light). Toxic relationships don’t just mess with your heart — they mess with your brain chemistry. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist famous for her research on love and attachment, romantic love activates the brain’s reward system, the same one involved in drug addiction. When the relationship includes unpredictable highs and lows — think love-bombing one day, cold shoulder the next — the brain actually craves the emotional rollercoaster.

That intermittent reinforcement (psychology speak for random rewards) hooks people even harder. Dr. Fisher compares this to gambling addiction — you don’t win every time, but when you do, the payoff feels incredible. Toxic relationships work the same way, keeping people hooked on those fleeting moments of affection and hope.

Attachment Styles: The Ghosts of Relationships Past

Another big player in the toxic love saga? Attachment styles. This comes from attachment theory, first introduced by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Dr. Mary Ainsworth. In short, how you bonded (or didn’t) with your primary caregivers can shape how you approach romantic relationships as an adult.

People with anxious attachment styles are especially vulnerable to toxic relationships. They crave closeness but fear abandonment, so they cling even when things get ugly. They interpret those dramatic ups and downs as signs of passion, not dysfunction. It’s like mixing fireworks with gasoline — looks exciting, but it’s gonna blow.

On the flip side, people with avoidant attachment might also find themselves in toxic cycles, drawn to emotionally unavailable partners because that’s what feels “safe” (read: familiar). Dysfunction feels like home, even if home was a mess.

The Ego Trap: If I Love Them Enough, They’ll Change

Toxic relationships come with a sneaky side dish of ego involvement. Somewhere deep down, a lot of people believe that if they just love hard enough, they can “fix” their partner. This belief is especially common in people with high empathy — a blessing and a curse when paired with someone who thrives on manipulation.

Dr. Lindsay Gibson, clinical psychologist and author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, explains that people raised around unpredictable or emotionally volatile caregivers often develop a sense of over-responsibility for others’ feelings. This carries over into romantic relationships, where they believe it’s their job to rescue their partner from their own toxic behavior.

Spoiler: It rarely works.

Familiarity Feels Like Fate (Even When It’s Toxic)

There’s a weird comfort in the familiar — even if it’s unhealthy. Psychologist Dr. Harville Hendrix, creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, coined the term imago match to describe how people unconsciously seek out partners who remind them of their early caregivers — flaws and all.

If you grew up in a home where love was conditional, conflict was constant, or affection was doled out like prizes, that dynamic can feel normal to you. So when a toxic partner shows up with the same emotional chaos, your brain registers it as home sweet home, not run for the hills.

The Power of Low Self-Esteem

Let’s talk self-esteem — or lack thereof. People with low self-worth are more likely to rationalize toxic behavior because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve better. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, people with low self-esteem often have an inner critic that tells them they’re not worthy of healthy love.

This inner critic can become so loud that when a toxic partner comes along and treats them poorly, it feels justified. They mistake mistreatment for something they’ve earned, rather than recognizing it as the other person’s issue.

Toxic Relationships and the Hollywood Effect

We can’t ignore the pop culture piece. Hollywood loves a toxic love story — passionate fights, dramatic reconciliations, and “love conquers all” endings. The problem? Real-life toxic relationships rarely get a neat, romantic resolution.

Pop culture conditions people to believe that conflict equals passion, that the harder you fight, the more real the love. This myth feeds directly into the cycle, especially for people raised on a steady diet of romantic comedies and chaotic reality dating shows.

Breaking the Cycle: Awareness is the First Step

The good news? Falling for toxic relationships doesn’t mean you’re doomed. The cycle can be broken, but it starts with awareness. Spotting red flags in dating early, understanding your own patterns, and getting real about your relationship history can help you break free.

Therapy (especially trauma-informed therapy) can be a game-changer, especially for anyone dealing with attachment wounds or low self-worth. Building self-esteem, learning healthy boundaries, and recognizing what healthy love actually looks like can help rewrite those toxic scripts.

Ready for Healthier Love?

If you’re tired of reruns in your love life and ready for a fresh start, we’ve got you covered. Check out our other articles on red flags in dating, how to spot emotional manipulation, and what healthy relationships really look like. There’s no shame in rewriting your love story — and trust us, the plot gets way better.