Why Some People Love Toxic Relationships

Ever watched someone stay in a relationship that’s clearly bad for them and wondered, “Why don’t they just leave?” Maybe you’ve even been in that situation yourself—knowing something isn’t right but still feeling unable to walk away. The truth is, toxic relationships have a pull that’s hard to resist, and psychology has a lot to say about why some people keep coming back for more.

1. The Addiction to Drama and Emotional Highs

Love shouldn’t feel like a rollercoaster—but for some, that’s exactly what makes it exciting. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, explains that the brain releases dopamine, the same chemical linked to drug addiction, when experiencing love and emotional intensity. In a 2016 study published in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, researchers found that the unpredictable nature of toxic relationships can create a “reward system” in the brain, reinforcing the cycle of breaking up and making up.

Think of it like this: If a slot machine paid out every time, it wouldn’t be exciting. But if it gives you random wins, you keep playing, hoping for the next big payout. That’s exactly how toxic relationships keep people hooked.

2. The Comfort of Familiar Patterns

If someone grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent—maybe they had emotionally distant parents or witnessed unstable relationships—they might unknowingly seek out similar dynamics in adulthood. Psychologists call this “repetition compulsion,” a term coined by Sigmund Freud, which describes the unconscious tendency to recreate familiar emotional experiences, even when they’re painful.

According to a 2020 study in Psychological Bulletin, people who experienced high-conflict parental relationships as children were 30% more likely to engage in similar relationships as adults. It’s not that they want toxicity, but it feels oddly comfortable—like a script they already know how to act out.

3. Low Self-Worth and the Fear of Being Alone

One of the biggest reasons people stay in toxic relationships is self-doubt. If someone believes they don’t deserve better or fears they won’t find another partner, they’re more likely to tolerate mistreatment.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher, found in a 2018 study that individuals with low self-esteem were significantly more likely to stay in relationships that made them unhappy. The belief that “this is the best I can get” keeps people trapped in cycles of emotional turmoil.

4. The Illusion of Change

One of the most common phrases in a toxic relationship? “They’ll change.” Many people hold onto hope that their partner will suddenly become more loving, committed, or stable. While people can change, it usually requires deep self-awareness and effort—something that doesn’t happen just because someone asks for it.

A 2019 study in Personality and Individual Differences showed that 72% of people in toxic relationships believed their partner would improve, even when there was no evidence to support this belief. Hope can be a powerful motivator, but it can also keep people stuck in unhealthy situations.

5. The Push-Pull Dynamic

Ever been in a situation where someone pulls away, and suddenly, you want them even more? This is called the “scarcity effect.” When something is inconsistent or hard to obtain, we assign it more value. Toxic partners often use this dynamic—pulling away just enough to make their return feel like a grand reward.

Research from Dr. Robert Cialdini, an expert in influence and persuasion, found that intermittent reinforcement (where rewards and affection come unpredictably) makes people more likely to stay invested. This is why hot-and-cold relationships feel so addictive.

6. Societal Messages About Love

We’ve all seen movies where love means never giving up, fighting through the hardest times, and proving yourself over and over again. While resilience in relationships is important, pop culture often blurs the line between fighting for love and staying in a toxic situation.

A 2022 survey by The Journal of Social Psychology found that 60% of respondents believed persistence was a sign of deep love, even in unhealthy relationships. When people equate drama with passion, they may mistake toxicity for something worth holding onto.

How to Break Free from a Toxic Cycle

If you find yourself drawn to toxic relationships, the first step is awareness. Understanding why you’re attracted to these dynamics can help you break the cycle. Here’s what can help:

• Work on Self-Worth: Building confidence and self-compassion makes it easier to set boundaries and expect better treatment.

• Challenge Familiar Patterns: Recognizing past influences on current relationship choices allows you to break free from repetition compulsion.

• Look for Consistency Over Highs and Lows: Healthy love is stable, not chaotic.

• Seek Support: A therapist, support group, or even trusted friends can help reinforce healthier relationship dynamics.

Final Thoughts

Toxic relationships can feel intense and magnetic, but they come at a cost. Understanding the psychological pull behind them is the first step toward choosing healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Want to explore more about dating dynamics and relationship psychology? Check out our latest articles to navigate love with confidence!