The Real Reasons Emotional Attraction Can’t Be Forced

We’ve all seen it in romantic comedies. Two people meet, and although there’s zero initial spark, one or both characters try to force an emotional connection, leading to a series of awkward (and usually hilarious) encounters. But unlike in Hollywood, in real life, forcing emotional attraction is not just awkward; it’s downright impossible.

And if you’ve ever tried to make yourself feel something for someone because, well, they check all the right boxes, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Emotional attraction is one of those mystical elements of human relationships that you can’t fake or force. But why is that? Let’s dive into the real reasons behind it—and what you can do instead to foster genuine connections.

What Exactly Is Emotional Attraction?

Before we dissect why it can’t be forced, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page. Emotional attraction isn’t about heart-stopping looks or a magnetic physical pull. It’s that deep feeling of connection, understanding, and resonance with another person. It’s why you can talk to someone for hours without getting bored, and why you genuinely care about their well-being.

Emotional attraction is built on shared values, mutual respect, trust, and an almost ineffable sense of being in sync. It’s like the glue that holds relationships together long after the initial infatuation fades. And spoiler alert: It’s not something you can manufacture or make happen by sheer willpower.

Reason #1: Chemistry Is Complex and Unpredictable

Think of emotional chemistry as a chemical reaction. When the right elements come together, boom, you get a magical bond. When the wrong elements meet, well… it’s like trying to light a match in a rainstorm.

The unpredictability of emotional chemistry is rooted in our biology. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who studies human attraction, our brains are wired with complex systems that govern love and attachment. When we meet someone new, our brains subconsciously assess everything from their scent (yes, really!) to their social behaviors to determine if they’re a good match.

So, even if someone ticks all the right boxes on paper, your brain and body may simply not agree. It’s like trying to convince yourself to like the taste of olives when you just don’t. No matter how hard you try, you can’t force your body to react in a way it doesn’t naturally want to.

Reason #2: Authenticity Can’t Be Fabricated

Let’s face it: Genuine emotional attraction requires authenticity, and that’s something you can’t fake. People are wired to pick up on nonverbal cues and inconsistencies. If you’re not genuinely interested or invested in someone, it’s nearly impossible to convince your brain otherwise.

A study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that authenticity is a key component of meaningful connections. When you try to force a bond, you’re likely putting on a version of yourself that doesn’t quite align with your true self. Over time, this inauthenticity not only exhausts you but also creates a barrier to forming a real emotional connection.

In short, if you’re trying too hard to make a connection work, both you and the other person will subconsciously feel the strain, making genuine emotional intimacy elusive.

Reason #3: Emotional Connection Needs Time to Grow

We live in a world of instant gratification, but emotional attraction doesn’t work on a timeline. It’s a gradual process that requires vulnerability, shared experiences, and time. According to relationship psychologist Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, deep emotional connections are built through “self-disclosure and emotional support.”

This means that if you’re trying to force emotional attraction in a rush, you’re bypassing the organic journey that bonds two people together. Emotional attraction is like planting a garden—you can’t just throw seeds in the ground and expect a lush landscape overnight. It requires nurturing, patience, and the right conditions.

So, when you feel pressured to feel something you simply don’t, it might be a sign to slow down and let things develop naturally—or not at all.

Reason #4: Shared Values Are Key (And You Can’t Fake Those)

One of the cornerstones of emotional attraction is shared values. You can’t pretend to have the same core beliefs as someone else for long without it feeling disingenuous. And without a shared foundation, building a deep, meaningful connection becomes incredibly difficult.

Imagine trying to force a connection with someone whose life goals and priorities clash with yours. Even if everything else seems perfect, a mismatch in values will often make emotional attraction impossible. It’s not about liking the same music or movies but rather aligning on what truly matters, whether it’s family, career ambitions, or worldviews.

Reason #5: Your Subconscious Knows the Truth

Our subconscious mind is incredibly powerful. It holds all our past experiences, traumas, preferences, and fears. When we meet someone, our subconscious mind is constantly at work, assessing whether this person feels safe and familiar or unsettling and incompatible.

If you’ve ever met someone and just couldn’t put your finger on why you felt uneasy or disinterested, it’s likely your subconscious mind waving a red flag. It’s the part of you that remembers how it felt to be in relationships that didn’t serve you or in friendships that drained you. And try as you might, you can’t outsmart your own mind.

As Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and relationships, famously said, “We are wired for connection, but we are also wired for self-protection.” If your mind doesn’t feel right about someone, you won’t be able to force yourself to feel deeply connected.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Genuine Emotional Attraction

So, if you can’t force emotional attraction, what can you do to encourage it naturally? Here are some practical tips:

1. Focus on Building Friendship First

Many lasting relationships are rooted in solid friendships. By getting to know someone in a pressure-free way, you allow emotional attraction to develop at its own pace. Plus, you’ll both be more relaxed, which makes genuine connection more likely.

Try This: Spend time together doing activities you both enjoy. Whether it’s hiking, cooking, or simply chatting over coffee, shared experiences can help you bond more organically.

2. Be Open and Vulnerable (But Don’t Force It)

Emotional attraction requires vulnerability, but that doesn’t mean oversharing on the first date. Instead, open up gradually and encourage your potential partner to do the same. Emotional intimacy is built when both people feel safe enough to be themselves.

Tip: Share something personal but not too heavy, like a childhood memory or a funny story about your family. Gauge their reaction and let the conversation flow naturally from there.

3. Pay Attention to Compatibility

Instead of trying to force feelings, pay attention to how well you actually mesh with someone. Do they make you feel understood and respected? Do your life goals align in meaningful ways? If the answer is no, it’s okay to walk away.

Reminder: Emotional attraction should feel easy and comfortable, not forced or exhausting. Listen to your gut, and don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Sometimes, our minds are so cluttered with expectations and societal pressures that we don’t give genuine connections a chance to form. Practicing mindfulness can help you become more in tune with your emotions and recognize when you’re trying to force a feeling that isn’t there.

Exercise: Take a few minutes each day to clear your mind through meditation or deep breathing. This practice can help you approach relationships with a clearer sense of what you truly want.

5. Let Go of Expectations

This might be the hardest tip of all, but it’s also one of the most important. Sometimes, we desperately want to feel something for someone because we think they’re perfect for us on paper. But emotional attraction doesn’t follow a script. It’s unpredictable and, frankly, a bit rebellious.

Pro Tip: Focus on enjoying the present moment with someone instead of constantly evaluating if they’re “the one.” When you let go of the pressure, you might be surprised at how attraction (or the lack thereof) reveals itself naturally.

Final Thoughts: Trust the Process

At the end of the day, emotional attraction is a mystery that even science can’t fully explain. It’s a blend of biology, psychology, and that intangible magic that makes us feel deeply connected to another human being. If you find yourself struggling to force a connection, take a deep breath and remind yourself: The right emotional bond won’t need to be forced.

And if you’ve yet to find that special connection, don’t stress. Trust the process, stay open to new experiences, and remember that genuine emotional attraction will find you when the time is right.